I am never going to write about Vernice here. To all those who are asking me to open my mouth that I have commanded to shut up and talk about Vernice, you may have to wait till my book comes out sometime in 2085.
While there were many types of customers that made an impression on me with their characters, there were those who made an impression with their requests, even the one time requests. I have already told you about those who came to report that “Hey-tee-hem” swallowed their card because their account is “Adamant” (i.e ATM swallowed their card because the account is dormant), there were those who always wanted one thousand naira notes and detested smaller Bills. Those ones will tell you before hand, Please pay me with one thousand naira note.
Bankers can be saddists sha! You know the money they gave you to pay with is in 100 naira bills and they lack integrity because they are old and dirty like our child hood panties that we used in playing ball, a customer will beg you to pay with 1000 naira notes, you will say okay. After debitting him, you will bring out dirty one hundred naira notes, throw your face away and say NEXT PERSON. The altercation that usually occured afterwards no be here. The bad part is that the banker will not even say anything, while the customer is spoiling for an exchange.
Then there were those who dont ever know the balance of their account. You have to first check their balance before they write the amount they want to withdraw, while on the queue oh, making those behind him curse you the poor banker, as if you are the cause of the delay. On the account opening side, omo, I got to know that many people do not know their ages . Their documentation was always giving different information from what they tell you. I once met one who told me she was born during the time of Aba women riot and this woman couldn’t be more than 25 years. Then from further enquiry I realised she meant that the month she was born was the same month of Aba women riot, not the year.
I want to say that the oga kpatakpata of them all regarding the situation that made impression on me was when I met Holyghost! That morning I woke up from sleep with a sour mood. From the very dawn of cock crow, everything just dey vex me. So I was in a no nonsense mood when I got to work. That is how this middle aged man dressed in a lacy native attire walked up to me. He greeted with a sense of familiarity but I know I have never met him before that day. He sat before me and introduced himself as a man of God. Then he said God sent him to me. So I sat up to hear what God told him to tell me. Then he said God asked him to tell me that I will be the MD of the bank. I quickly did a rough calculation based on our promotion frequency and immediately knew I was face to face with a fake prophet. Before he uttered his next words, my brain was already reset to be sarcastic. ” you have to be committed to God ” he continued . “God has chosen you to be a strong pillar of my church”. I stopped him almost rudely. ” Oga, “ I cut in “I am not a christian. Is there something else you came for, let me attend to it , other wise I really have a lot to do”. The man sensed my mood, got up and left, promising to return.
A few minutes later , another man came. He had on a red three piece suit and a darker red shirt. The redness of the outfit was what first caught my attention. I stretched my neck above the system in front of me to see if he was wearing a red shoe too. I was not disappointed. Bros was wearing a read sneakers . I was almost going to laugh but then he took away my audacity of laughter with his greeting . ” Young man, your grey hair, you are a unique man, how do you do”.
” I am fine “ I replied without enthusiasm. Then he said “you look like a man that should be a member of my church”. Omo!. What grave sin have I committed that marketing department of churches besieged me today? I thought. I also told him I am not a christian. He wasn’t expecting that response because he looked really shocked. So I asked him If there was anything else he wanted me to attend to. He said “Yes, WE want to open an account “
So I asked him “You and who?”, because he was the only one standing before me. He then responded “Me, Jesus and Holy Ghost “. As much as this should have made me laugh or feel very bad, I didnt. I just decided to be professional “so, you , Jesus and Holy Ghost will need to fill these forms” I said as I gave him account opening forms to fill. Then I continued “then you, Jesus and Holy Ghost will provide Utility bill, I d cards , 4 passport photographs each” I could see the man’s expression going through different expression shock and changes . He sat up, pulled his chair closer to the table and asked “You mean You need Jesus and Holy Ghost to bring I D card and passport photographs? “
Dey there na. Nonsense and ingredient! Mcheeew!