NIGERIA ON CRUISE! MY STORY : PART 1

By Victor Edegbai

Nigeria na cruise. If there is to be a global competition for comedians, I sure the winner go be Nigerian and this is no jokes. Every thing around us, from our government to our people, is positioned to make us laugh. Let me tell you about one crazy experience.

So my father has been going on about me being the first Judge in the family. That was a sign that I made a mistake by studying law. Therefore, immediately after law school,  I decided to be a farmer, a hunter, a teacher, anything but a lawyer. Suddenly the profession no just sweet me at all. I began to apply for any job available on line. I even applied for the job of a PA to a medical doctor, who I later found out to be a native doctor and he didnt employ me because I have grey hairs and his client may think I am the baba instead of him.

Though I didnt want to be a lawyer again, there was one Job I didnt even want to apply for, BANKING. I hated it eh!, I didnt even have a bank account, that is how much I hated it. I just couldn’t forget the experience one First Bank staff gave me when I was in 100 level in UNIBEN. Now providence has it that of all the banks I eventually applied to, it is only that same first bank that eventually employed me.

I was posted to Aba and specifically to Ariaria branch. I have never been to Aba before so I tried to make enquiries. All I kept hearing was IT IS A ROUGH PLACE. One lady even described it thus “You know Ajegunle na….Ehen! Aba na de senior broda”. Omo!. Like play like play I found my self in Aba. I got in late and decided to stay in a hotel. I saw one written MOTEL. As I climbed up the stair case I saw different girls, some couldn’t have been older than 18 years walking lazily, obviously over used, but still soliciting. They kept saying “Sweet heart, who are you looking for?”. I know I fine, but I didnt understand why so many girls go dey call me ‘sweet heart’.  The last time that happened was when I followed a friend to see his female relative in psychiatric hospital at medical junction, Benin. Abi was I inside a KOLOMAN world?.

I sha ignored them and went to a room that looked like a reception. I greeted the guy and said “I want to lodge”. He asked “short time or long time”. I confuse. So I attemoted to clarify “I wan sleep”. His answer was same “Eh! na short time or long time you wan sleep?”. Out of confusion I replied “I wan sleep till day break”. The guy said “okay, 3k” then added “You bring your own girl come”. I pretended not to hear, gave him 3,000 Naira and followed him. He showed me a room that was stinking. He said “Person just use am for short time. Make I call Uche ti come clean am”. I was like “Uche?”. How the hell does this dude just talk to me like I have been using this hotel before.

Then I began to hear loud moaning sounds all around me. Then it started to sink in small small but not fully. Then I heard from the opposite room, an angry male voice. “why person go dey f…k you, you no go even do hmmm annn, make you shout small na!”  a female voice responded “Oga, you lay to f…k or you pay for me to shout! Abeg I don tire, you know how many men I don f..k today?”. A bell rang in my naive brain…..Bros na ugbague you dey so oh. You dey red light district.

Till today I cant recall how I found myself outside. I just knew I was out of there fast. Thats how SHORT TIME became the first new vocabulary I learnt in Aba. I sha found another Cheap hotel to sleep, reported in my branch the next day and Chidi was on hand to superintend over me in customer service. I started to learn new English fron custoners “I slaughtered my card into the hey-tee-hem. The machine swallowed it. The security said it is because my card is adamant, that I should come and renovate it”.

Stick around for more of the english I learnt in aba. Drop a line for me in the comment section.

CIAO

Barr. Victor Edegbai AKA Grandpa is a father of many nations, positive thinker, and friend of many. I like trouble, because I be lawyer.