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“”Ushhhhhhhh… Ashhhhh”…. Take it easy,
you are hurting me.”
She sang into my ears.
What I heard was:
“Do it faster, I need it faster… Harder!!!”
Me just stepped on the pedal and pumped
away. I was hitting her deeply, paying with her
inner cacus. The sensation I was receiving was
really worth all the suffering I had gone through
just to get her.
“I will sue you for Molesting me o”
She said breathlessly as I turned her round and
began the canine style on her. Sue who? Me?
She never jam. I would be the first to sue her. I
know you guys might think I am crazy, but I am
not. Oya, let me rewind it so you will know why
I would want to sue her.

I had met her in an internet cafe. I was already
done browsing but the time still remained.
Internet cafe these days no longer install that
software that automatically shuts you down
when your time is over. It was really that good.
I lifted my head to look at the cafe attendant,
just to determine his position. He was seated
concentrating. Lol, my mind went back to when
I was a cafe attendant. All my spare time were
used in watching por’n online. I believed that
was the exact thing he was doing.
“How much is 30 minutes”
I heard a lovely voice said. I looked up again to
behold the loveliest face I had ever seen. She
was not fat and was also not on the slim side.
Just my exact kind of woman. I was perplexed.
Now, I wanted to approach her but my liver had
ran away from my body. It was just me, I and
my world.
She had settled down after purchasing an hour
of browsing time. I was watching her. The first
place she entered was facebook. I was excited.
I peeped and saw her name, searched for her
immediately and added her. She received me
almost immediately. I sent her a message.
“Hi, can I have your number please?”
She replied.
Bleep it. I was trying to put words together in
my head when…
“Oga, you time don finish o.”
Chineke. No problem. I was happy I had
established contact. What remains is to go
through her ABOUT and and find out if her
number is there.
I got home and could not sleep. I could not
even eat and I had sweat pouring all over me.
Wait, no mind that statement there, I am only
trying to sound poetic. I ate all I wanted, had a
perfect dream and was so relaxed my sweat
glands began protesting.
All through, I was busy thinking about this girl.
Her beautiful features. Her smile, don’t ask me
how I got to know how her smile looks. Owk, I
will tell you. When I requested for her number,
she looked at me and smiled. Which green light
green pass wetin she gimme abeg?
I got to the office on Monday morning and
quickly went to the history of our chats. Like
say we even chat many self. I clicked on her
name and whoosaa, her page flew open. I did
the first thing. Scroll through her pictures. They
were all stuning and I was busy clapping in my
mind. I had landed jackpot.
“Attai, why are you smiling like a fish na?”
My colleague asked me. I looked at him. He
was always this pastor type and me was
always thinking and feeling that he is a virgin.
Lol, a man being a virgin.
“O boy, na one babe wey I hammer o. Her own
don finish”
I replied him.
“See, Attai, you need to change. Following
women is not good. You have a bright future
ahead of you.”
He advised.
“See this man. Tell me say you no fuucckk pass
me for your past life na”
I asked him.
He just shook his head and wanted to walk
away. I stopped him with my speech.
“If na Jesus now, him no go give up on me like
you just do o. Your hell fire go so hot pass my
own because I go lay allegations for your head
on judgment day wella”
I said. He shook his head the more, like he was
planning to clear it.
“Attai, may God forgive you”
And in the catholic fashion, I replied..
“And also you”.
Now that is bad. I kept looking at the pictures,
imagining her lying on the bed Unclad. Her
would her Kitty-Cat look like? Kai, I was already
fuucckking her before I got my hands on her.
My dicckk from all those thoughts had become
as hard as iron and I ws sweating under the
AC. See me o. Me wey no sweat before, na me
wan begin sweat now, no lele sha.
“Attai, madam dey call you”
Me? Yesu, I don enter. How I wan carry go face
that woman now. See as my pole wire just
tanda dey salute my tight plain trouser. No ask
me o, I dey like make my trousers dey hug me
sometimes. Sha, the girls for my office don
teach me lesson. Anytime them see me, na to
dey look my preek.
“Ma, you sent for me”
I spoke in my oyibo-film induced English. Who
would not want to impress an American-trained
professional? Her English self and the way she
dey carry talk am make me know say Ishilove
and Princesa still dey kindergarten for Use of
“Yes I did”
Imagine say na Queen Elizabeth dey yan this
one. You know how Englishmen dey speak their
English na. That kind Harry Potter them. Well,
Naija women wey school for America dey speak
Britannica, me wey school for Kano and don
watch all the American gangster movies must
speak like them na.



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